Fall Out Boy – Uma Thurman

Weren’t FOB a rock band at some stage? This sounds like a Hollywood soundtrack commissioned from boy band retirees on crack. An aimless mess of studio fiddling and contrived experimentation.

Tokio Hotel – Love Who Loves You Back

Get your BDSM-themed, club-friendly, German pop right here.

Red Carpet Premiere – Rug Burn

A dance/disco duo from Ohio consisting of a DJ and, unexpectedly, a country and western producer. Citing Pet Shop Boys and C&C Music Factory seems reasonable, although there’s a frank smuttiness about this track which will confine it to the playlists of a select few clubs.

Fallout Boy – Centuries

Pounding hybrid of house music and whiny strut-rock, peppered with hooks lifted from elsewhere with maximum cynicism. Another case of aiming for the absolute middle and hitting it, for better or worse. Life’s too short, if you ask me.

Lethal Bizzle ft JME & Tempa T – Rari WorkOut

Doofing gangsta hippity hopp wif a British bent. Designed for procrastinating gym membership holders who need a motivational boost and can’t afford pharmaceuticals. Regular shout-outs to celebrities noted for their glutes, suttle eh?

Thirty Seconds To Mars – Do Or Die

Embarrassingly overblown and self-important mainstream rock by a band that’s had the best part of two decades to polish the act. Laden with platitudes for the easily led and peppered with ‘inspirational’ individual sound bites for that social factor. If Jared Leto weren’t doing this, one suspects he’d be running some kind of cult.

Alicia Keys ft Kendrick Lamar – It’s On Again

Confusing, interlaced scenes of military action, orchestras, gratuitous bling and white lace, punctuated by Kendrick spitting angrily into a walkie talkie for what seems like an age. Alicia then arrives to send us to sleep. Is this music? It’s good enough for yet another Spiderman remake, anyway.